Dear Charlie,

If I’m gone tomorrow, this is how you were at ten months old. 

You remind me of  Florence at 16 months old. You are defiant. You don’t have time for diaper changes or clothes. You walk, try to run, can go from sitting to standing without holding onto something. You are incredibly sturdy and balanced. You love playing chase with Flo. You love hiding while I legitimately search for you. You try to run away when you have something you shouldn’t. You are a rowdy one. You love to tackle and roll around. You like wheels and try to push toy trucks. You will take an object and hit it against something to make loud noises. You like to play piano. You say dadda, mommy, dog, all done, night-night, no. You love me holding you with your favorite blankets until you fall asleep (most of the time I love this too). You throw small tantrums when you don’t get your way. You are a very stubborn and determined little guy. You have 6 teeth and working hard on #7.  You love bath time still. You’re favorite foods include bread, meat, and beans. 

Your smile is everything. You are a sweetheart and love to give hugs. I am enjoying seeing your personality form even the stubbornness. I hope I’m here tomorrow to witness you’re next move, adventure, and phase. 

Dear Children,

If I’m here tomorrow, let’s always enjoy our Friday nights!

Friday nights with you are not too far off from college parties. Leftover pizza in the kitchen, friends passed out on the floor,  shoes and clothes lying everywhere, drinks spilled over, stains on tshirts. Typical Friday night party. And of course, the lack of sleep between teething and nightmares will basically feel like a hangover the next morning.

But seriously, TGIF! I love Friday family night! There’s a sense of freedom in the air. Freedom from the week. It’s a carefree evening. There’s nothing we have to rush around for the next day.  Daddy doesn’t typically work the next morning, we don’t have appointments to meet, Flo doesn’t have school. I don’t worry about the dishes in the kitchen. I don’t worry about laundry. I don’t worry about the toy mess. We usually make homemade pizza. Watch a movie. Laugh and goof around. It’s an unspoken tradition that I hope continues. I am excited to share these days with you. Making pizza and popcorn together. Playing board games. Picking out movies. Cuddling on the couch. Unwinding from the week. Enjoying each other and not letting the daily stresses bring us down!

Dear Children,

If I’m gone tomorrow, please don’t feel insecure.

Last week, I was at the grocery store and the cashier asked for my ID and examined it longer than necessary. Checked the ID, looked at my face. Checked the ID, looked at my face. Checked the ID, looked at my face. I felt uncomfortable and could feel red creeping up my neck. As if I wasn’t older than the legal drinking age by an entire decade. He finally said, “you certainly don’t look like you were born in 86’!” Most ladies in their 30s would take that as a compliment but no, I immediately felt too short, too small framed, too skinny, too young in appearance. I couldn’t help but feel like that teenager that always looked like a 12 year old! 

I always wondered what I’d look like in 10 years, if I’d ever stop looking like a 12 year old. Would I ever grow to be model height with curves and beautiful voluminous hair. Well years later, I can say I’m no model. It’s amazing that my body and attitude is much different than in my teen years. Two kids later, my abdomen is mush. Too many laughs later, my smile lines and crows feet are out to play. Too many stink eyes later, my scowl lines are ever so present. Too many surgeries, falls, cuts, burns, time spent without spf, my skin is worn. My face is worn. My body is worn. I can tell in my stance. I have the hunched over baby carrying walk these days. 

I am aging.

Yet this one comment took me back years. As if I’m still that insecure teenager. As if I haven’t lived a life of 31 years and instead am that tiny stick figured teenager. 

Although I feel like an entirely different more confident woman. I am still learning to love my body and be kind to it. It’s been through a world of pain. It shows no matter your age, you still feel those same insecurities you had as a kid. 

But if you’re feeling insecure, focus on your positive attributes. If you start to feel small, take a deep breath and stand up tall. If you let them, insecurities will bury themselves deep and emerge whenever they want. Don’t listen to negative comments. Take control. Be secure. If you start to feel down on yourself, remember you are amazing in every way. Remember you are unique. Remember no one else can be you. You are one of a kind and you should embrace it, no matter your age.

Dear Parents,

If I’m gone tomorrow, please take care of your nest.

Children need to feel warmth. Children need good nutrition. Children need a safe place to grow. Children need a happy home they can learn to fly from. Children need a place they can return when their wings are limp and tired. Children need a nest.

Provide warmth in hugs, cuddles, and gentleness. Kids need to feel comforted every day. For some guidance, check out the book the 5 Love Languages to learn your child’s love language. This is a great way to connect to each child individually and make sure you’re providing them with the best attention they need based on their personality.

Provide them with knowledge of food and nutrition. Teach them to love their bodies by fueling them with nutrition. When I’m asked about advice for feeding toddlers, I say teach them about the food. Get them in the kitchen. Explain what you’re doing and give them a job! If they help prepare it, they are more than likely going to want to try it. Teaching them about food helps too. Teach them what it is and where it’s from. For instance, porkchops are the meat from pigs. Pigs are raised on farms and we bought ours at the grocery store. Ask what they know about pigs. Have a good conversation about the food they are eating. This method helps our toddler.  I hope her love for food continues and provides a good base for future eating habits.

Provide a safe place to grow. Have a shelter that children feel safe in to call home. Provide a happy place to call home. Be happy! It’s simple, figure out what you have to do to stay happy as a parent. Don’t get weighed down by the everyday stresses.

But I know there are stresses that may try to tear down your nest. The wind may be strong but hold tight. Life is tough but we have to hang on for our kids and do our best to keep them healthy and safe. Provide a safe and happy home that kids can learn to flourish in. A happy and safe environment will give a great start to their lives. They will feel confident and comfortable to be themselves and learn to become independent. While they are practicing independence, they need a comfortable place to rest their heads. They need a place they feel safe to return to when their little wings are limp and tired. Provide a nest and take care of it.

Daily prompt – Nest 

Dear Flo (Bo),

If I’m here tomorrow, please keep spending time with me in the kitchen.

You are my little souschef. You love cooking with Mama. You help me cook daily.

We cook oats in the morning. You prep food in the evening. You love to help me cook stir fry and it’s your job to cut the mushrooms. Or “mush-a-rooms” as you call them.

It’s funny how as parents, we start saying words the way our toddlers do. I have started saying mush a rooms. I know I shouldn’t repeat your mispronounced words and should repeat them pronounced properly so you learn but it’s too stinking cute.

But a day will come, where you won’t want to spend time with me in the kitchen and you will no longer mispronounce mushrooms. Those days make my heart sink. You will naturally want space and distance from your mom and dad especially during the dreaded teen years. I’ll miss you but please find your way back to us. Don’t push us too far away. Always know we are here to spend time with you, whenever you’re ready. When you move away, come home for dinner. Come over and play board games. Come over and play video games. Come over and have a glass of wine with me. Come over and be my souschef. Come over and cut mushrooms so I can tell you the same story of how you mispronounced mushrooms over and over. Please come home.

Daily prompt -mushroom

Click for a video of Flo and I cooking together

Dear Charlie,

If I’m here tomorrow, please let me smother you in love as often as I want.

I realized yesterday that you are a person trapped inside a tiny, non talking, non walking, misunderstood human body. You are a big boy on the inside and baby on the outside.  

The past few weeks you have started yelling in different ways to communicate to me. When you want me to pick you up, you scream and stomp your foot. When you’re all done eating, you scream (and start to wave all done in sign language or you simply try to rip the tray off). When sister steals a toy, you swat at her and yell. When your foot is out if your footie pajamas, you yell your frustrations. When sister hurts you, you have a specific I’m in pain cry. When you’re in a lot of pain from a fall, you wiggle and scream. You say “mama” very sad and slow when you need me and only I will do.

In all of these ways, you are doing your best to communicate. You know what you want and you’re doing your best to convey that to us.

You know what you like. You love pushing the walkers. You love rolling the ball and chasing it. You love playing catch. You love throwing the ball. You love knocking over building blocks. You love making noise by banging two objects together.

You have been trying to say the word “dog.” You go up to the dogs and “pet” them by swatting and yelling  “dah, dah, dah”. It’s similar to your dadada noise but different.

When you see something you want, you book it towards the item. If my phone is left laying in your reach, if you spot any drinks, or if daddy comes in the room. You are determined to get exactly what you’re after. 

You have been walking about 5-10 steps at a time. You haven’t taken off fully walking yet. You want to be. You get overzealous and your body goes before your feet can catch up. You have been walking walls and furniture to get around.

You love food but would much rather eat what we are eating. You love chicken pieces and teething wafers and Cheerios. Sadly, I don’t have time to make all of your baby food. You eat too much for me to keep up. You do like my homemade applesauce though.

You practice, practice, practice. All day long. If you fall, you get back up and do the same thing over and over to learn how you fell and how to prevent it. You are cautious and calculated yet fearless at the same time. You push my hand away if I’m trying to stop you from doing something. You are stubborn.

Your personality is forming and you are learning new things every day. I love that we get to be a part of your life. Right now, you are stuck between baby and toddler but more on the toddler side. It’s bittersweet because you are more than likely our last baby. And neither you nor Flo have stayed babies for long, always wanting to advance to the next level. You both were eager to get out of the baby stage.  

This past weekend you turned 9 months, and I know by Christmas you will really be toddling around.  You will be turning 3 like Flo before I know it. But as you grow up, keep my heart in mind. Remember that you are my last baby and I want to savor every moment. I can’t pause time or slow down time. All I have control over is the present moment. I may smother you in kisses and hug tightly because that’s all I can do. Please accept this. 

Dear Florence,

If I’m gone tomorrow, please always remember our silly little games.

The other day you came up to me and beeped my nose. I laughed and asked if you remember that. You said yes and daddy’s nose says “honk”.  I remember this was your favorite game last year. You would squeeze my nose and I’d say beep, beep. You would squeeze your Daddy’s nose and he would say Honk, Honk. We would squeeze your nose and you would giggle and sit there, quietly waiting for a noise to happen.

It’s amazing how such a silly game brought me straight back to last year. The amount of change you’ve had this year is quite amazing. The amount of change every week is quite amazing. You seem to remember so much more than I ever thought was possible. However, as you get older these memories will fade.

But as the memories fade, please hold onto the feeling of joy. We do anything to hear you giggle and I hope as you age you always laugh. I know you won’t always find honking noses funny. But I hope you keep your sense of humor and giggle your way through life.

Daily prompt- honk

Dear Children,

If I’m gone tomorrow, please find inspiration around you. Find inspiration when you’re lost. Find inspiration when you’re sad.  Find inspiration when you’re feeling creative. Find inspiration when you’re stuck.

Write. Take pictures. Share stories with a friend. Go to the library. Go to the museum. Go to a live band. Go outside. Find woods. Find a lake. Watch the birds. Look at the stars. Tune out the noise of everyday life.

Get lost in conversation. Get lost in music. Get lost in nature. Get lost in art. Get lost in your thoughts.

But most of all, find inspiration within yourself. Set goals. Be decisive. Take action. Stay motivated. Believe in yourself.

Dear Children,

If I’m gone tomorrow, please don’t learn your dance moves from me. 

To keep my sanity, we dance like fools. I am a terrible dancer but it doesn’t stop me from letting loose. As soon as I feel meltdowns beginning. As soon as I feel tensions rising. I flip the switch… to the record player.

Your Daddy has trouble with gift giving. He loves to give gifts. However, he wants to get the perfect gift. Typically he spends too much time thinking and not enough time shopping or creating. He proved me wrong last year, way wrong. He had me believing that he didn’t get me anything special for Christmas. He warned me over and over. This should have been a dead give away.

It’s Christmas morning, Flo and I came down the stairs to a mound of presents. There were huge boxes wrapped with my name and large numbers labled on the side of each box. They were in chronological order. This was to throw me off…it worked.

Each box contained a part for the record player. I made a pile, all the while very puzzled. The second to last box was the player itself so I knew it had something to do with a record player. I was starting to think he bought parts to build a record player in the future. I was slightly disappointed that I couldn’t play music immediately. Then I heard music playing (yay for casting to your phone). It still took a second to register all of this together. It was as if time was in slow motion. Or it was Flo’s 4 am wake up call. I unwrapped the final piece. It was the completed player sitting inside our vintage 1950s record player. He wrapped the parts boxes and put the old broken pieces inside each box to cleverly throw me off. I was pregnant with Charlie and of course, couldn’t stop grinning and crying all at the same time. Luckily, we had a nice collection of records already. We spent Christmas with music filling the house.

There’s something special about records. The music is dancing all around you. You can feel every note floating passed, with the occasional elbow bumping you or stepping on your toes. It’s as if the whole room is filled with dancing, musical notes.

Since it’s impractical to listen to records all day with you crazies on the loose, this thing has casting capabilities. It’s been a lifesaver in our house. It is by far the best present I’ve ever received. It gets used daily. You love watching records spin round and round. I wish your hands wouldn’t touch it though. The amount of hours and research he spent into this present is astonishing since we have zero time to ourselves.  What makes it most meaningful is that he knows music keeps us afloat. It was his way of contributing while away at work. If there’s one thing you remember about our household, it’s the days and nights spent dancing as a family. So far, Flo has the best dance moves. Dancing helps us let out the day’s frustrations, while keeping us laughing and having fun!

But if your dance moves aren’t the best, don’t worry about it, keep dancing anyway. Always let music (preferably records) into your life. It will calm you, excite you, re energize you. Keeping dancing the day away.  

Daily prompt- Dancing

Dear Charlie,

If I’m gone tomorrow, please be a little selfless.

If I could have one power to get through parenthood alive, it would be to become completely selfless.

This week you developed croup. When I say you sounded like a seal, I’m not being dramatic. When I say you kept me up all night, I’m not being dramatic. When I say you made us hold you all day, every day, I’m not being dramatic. When I say we sat in the bathroom with hot water steam every couple hours, I’m not being dramatic. When I say I had to bundle us up at midnight and step into the cold night’s air, I’m not being dramatic. Teething, growth spurts, colds, nothing compares to watching your child struggle to take a breath. Your throat was so swollen that you were unable to breathe properly. Luckily with modern medicine you received care right away and the swelling has decreased. You are still very sick but hopefully you’ll be over this virus soon and onto the next thing. Tis’ the season.

Being a parent, you have to be selfless to some degree. Selflessness…putting aside everything I want to serve my babies. It sounds simple enough. But in actuality, it’s the toughest part of being a parent. I get through these tough days by compromising. I want to clean, I settle for getting the dishwasher started. I want to fold and put away laundry, I settle for the clothes to at least be dry. I want to get a manicure, I settle for an at home nail polish. I want to shower, I settle for dry shampoo. I want to finish a book, I settle for finishing a board book. I want to sleep, I settle for dozing in and out on the couch with my sick baby on my chest.  

When my back is throbbing, I push through and hold you closer as I sway you back and forth. When my eyes are so heavy, I push through and sing louder. Rock faster. Shush louder.  Your comfort and well being comes first.

But if you’re having a hard time being selfless, remember it’s okay to be a little selfish too. Have a piece of chocolate without sharing. Cook your favorite food. Go to your favorite restaurant. Always order dessert. Have a slice of pizza. Watch your favorite TV show. Take a bath. Brew tea or coffee. Play a game. Go for a walk. Workout. Find a hobby you can enjoy every day. Indulge yourself when you need it.  Take a moment to breathe. Step away from the stresses. Find something you can indulge in on a daily basis. Taking care of yourself and being selfish is as important as stepping away from yourself and being selfless. There needs to be balance. Compromise. Settling.  I want a “normal” day, I settle for trying to enjoy all of the moments even these rough ones.